Body language experts make me laugh. Let’s face it, they’re paid good money to speculate (usually at length) about the positions, poses and weird bodily gestures we all make, which apparently have deep and interesting meanings.

Rather like art critics, I’m thinking these experts are paid to find hidden meanings where perhaps none lie, and nowhere is body language quite as potent as in a date situation.

I like to think of myself as open minded, so when it comes to body language on a date, I think it’s best to look at things from all sides, for different meanings behind boy and girl behaviours. The nose rubs, the sitting positions, the lip licking; here’s my alternative view on what those pesky experts say.

Sitting with legs crossed or together (closed stance)

Experts would have us believe that someone who sits with their legs crossed is giving off guarded signals and literally protecting their genitals. Call me picky, but perhaps your date’s trousers are just a tad on the tight side, or perhaps they seriously need to fart. Adopting this position might just as easily be a coping mechanism in that awkward date scenario. I’m also thinking girls often sit crossed legged to minimise the size of their thighs! In contrast, sitting in an open stance (legs apart) apparently means someone is open, comfortable, and dare we say, sexually relaxed. This is perhaps a good sign on a date, but not if you’re the shy type.

Hair twiddling

Hair twiddling, we’re told, is a flirtatious body signal, particlaurly when a female does it (I’ve never seen a bloke try, personally). But couldn’t a girl just be trying to draw attention to the £55 hairdo she’s just had done for the date? Or could she not be bored or tired? Maybe she’s just given up smoking, so simply needs something to occupy that hand? My money’s on tired, so watch out for those surreptitious yawns, boys.

Licking lips/looking at other persons lips

Licking your lips and looking at your date’s lips are classic seductive body signals apparently. We’re lead to believe that a woman drawing attention to her lips by licking or wearing lippy is actually trying to make them reflect the look of her reddened aroused genitals (thanks for that). The poor girl might just be licking her lips as a result of the kettle chips you’ve brought her from the bar. And were her genitals really on her mind when she purchased that new lipstick in Boots the day before your date? Don’t forget, if someone is looking at your lips on a date, it may well mean they want to kiss you. Alternatively you may have a nasty cold sore or something in your teeth. Be warned!

Hand over mouth and/or rubbing nose

This is an interesting one. Apparently someone with their hand over their mouth, or who rubs their nose, is showing deceit. Taken by experts to the extreme, they suggest the person is actually telling a lie if they show these signals. They even go as far as to say that lying can make the nerve endings in the nose tingle, hence the need for a nose rub. Daters beware! But, before you go running for the door, could your date not simply have halitosis or an innocently itchy nose? Fair play with the swift exit if it’s the former.

Arms crossed

Crossed arms apparently display defensiveness and even hostility. This position can literally be taken as an attempt to hide from an unfavourable situation. Not a great start as you sit down for your prawn cocktail. Looked at another way though, perhaps you date has bitten nails - it’s not a good look and crossed arms is a great way to conceal them. Or maybe the mid-winter rendezvous in that charming country pub (where they have no heating) simply means your date is a tad on the chilly side, temperature-wise. At the other end of the spectrum, perhaps it’s simply a scorcher of a day and your date has sweaty pits. Nice.

I may not be a practising body language expert, but I think I’ve given it a fair crack of the whip. I hope I’m forgiven for slating body language gurus and art critics, but I like to call a spade a spade. When I see a painting of a tree, I can lose interest in the art critic’s rantings about its ‘phallic symbolism’ - I’m more on side with the artist who sits quietly in the corner saying ‘no, really, it’s just a tree’.

Anyway, when you’re next in a date situation, forget those Freudian genital-related worries about the position someone’s sitting in and just remember there is usually more than one way to view the ‘language’ of your date’s body - arms folded or open, legs crossed or otherwise. Failing that, just order a large glass of merlot and enjoy yourself.