Grooming

We come in all shapes and sizes, and we don’t all look like Naomi Campbell, but the most important thing is that you work with what you’ve got. Before you get the chance to present your stellar personality to your date, chances are they have already decided if they are interested based on your appearance, in fact a 2005 study by the University of Pennsylvania showed that in a speed dating environment it takes only three seconds. I’m not encouraging you to be someone you’re not; if you’re a casual kind of person, don’t go overboard, just groom. Make sure your hair looks smart, and you are projecting the right kind of image for yourself. Spend 15 minutes longer than you normally would on getting ready to give yourself an extra confidence boost, but remember, be yourself!

Smile!

You want to engage someone, and look approachable, so flash them a winning smile and make them feel comfortable in your presence. If you sit down at the table looking nervous and uncomfortable, your date will not only mirror your behaviour, they will think you don’t want to be there!

Appear Interested

Its great to talk about yourself - after all, your date wants to know what makes you tick - but when nervous we can easily fall into ‘presentation mode’ and be encouraged to talk, talk, talk. Remember that your date is not there just to learn about you, so be attentive and ask them questions about their life. We all like to have our ego massaged so if they mentioned they just went on holiday, ask about it! As well as preventing any awkward silences, your date will get the impression that you actually give a damn about them. In today’s busy world, this can make all the difference.

Sell Yourself

You don’t want to resort to ‘presentation mode’ listing all your attributes as if you are at a job interview or gunning for a promotion at work, but you still want to sell yourself. I’m not talking about the kind of self-selling that goes on in the red light district, but putting forward your best attributes. Make a little list of your most interesting features before you go - these could be hobbies, travel anecdotes or things you’ve accomplished so far in life. Keep them at the front of your mind to drop into conversation, this will make you seem interesting and will give them some idea of your life. Remember though, always be truthful! Little white lies are one thing, for example saying you like the gym when the truth is that your membership card hasn’t left your purse for a fortnight, but its quite another to say you just completed a marathon! Exercise caution with this, especially if you are looking for something long term!

If all else fails, turn to chemicals…

I’m not talking about performance enhancing drugs, but pheromones. Many companies manufacture pheromone wipes, patches and sprays that all claim to lure in the opposite sex. Whilst the jury is still out as to whether or not this works, US TV show 20/20 sent sets of identical twins out to speed dating events, one wearing pheromones. The chemically assisted speed daters got more matches than their twin, so if you really want to boost your chances, why not give it a go?

People are often most paranoid about things they are insecure about. This might sound very simple, but its something that completely slips your mind in the heat of the moment. When you’re fretting over the fact that you think a group of girls are bitching about you, you never seem to connect that feeling with the fact that you woke up late, didn’t have time to straighten your hair and are therefore less than confident about how you look. Instead, you let your mind run riot, convinced that not only are the girls are making fun of you but they are the biggest bitches in the world. They could be behaving in a completely normal way, but in your distorted view, they are acting differently, and this in turn makes you behave differently. This will more than likely result in them actually bitching about you, and so your paranoia has come true.

Always worried that your boyfriend or girlfriend is looking at other people? This is a dangerous one to be overly vocal about. Sure, there are some people that disrespect their significant other by looking a little too eagerly at passers-by, but nine times out of ten they only have eyes for you. If you are constantly accusing them of looking at others or asking if they are cheating, you will eventually drive them away. Imagine being accused of a crime you didn’t commit, and how frustrating it would be knowing you had done nothing wrong. Now imagine being accused by the person you love. Frustrating, huh?

In short, its important to remember that sometimes people will talk about you, and your boyfriend might see a girl on the street that he is attracted to. If you are unlucky, those people might very well be saying negative things, and your boyfriend might very well choose to ask the girl for her number, but this is the exception, not the rule. Is it worth ruining great relationships in order to protect yourself from a broken heart? Chances are you will only drive the people that care about you away, and if you’re constantly worrying about what could be, you will never be open to life’s opportunities. Sometimes just trusting that things will be okay and throwing caution to the wind can restore your faith in humanity. Yes there will be some rough patches along the way, and you may be burned and get your heart broken, but they are all experiences that make you, you. Life is about experiences, both good and bad, so try being less paranoid, take a chance, and you might just be surprised.

One of the easiest ways to do this is to open the lines of communication with your partner. You need to let him/her know how you feel so that they have the opportunity to reassure you. Sometimes it can be difficult to think about approaching the subject because to say it out loud almost trivialises the feelings you have been experiencing, but you really should try. However, if talking is not really a strong point in your relationship, perhaps you have to try and look inward to deal with your issue.

Don’t let insecurity ruin your relationship.

Much of our problems with jealousy spring from the boundaries of what we deem to be acceptable behaviours. For example, some couples do not have a problem with their respective partners harmlessly flirting with someone else while for others that is an absolute deal breaker. If your partner has crossed one of your boundaries in terms of their behaviour with the opposite sex then it can cause all sorts of irrational feelings to emerge.

The first step in this situation is to consider whether or not you are exaggerating the problem or indeed whether there actually is a problem. You need to take a step back and look at the facts. Has your partner actually given you cause for concern? Is there actually a fundamental reason why you feel that you cannot trust your loved one? It is that age old question of whether or not you are letting your imagination run wild. Are you party to the behaviour that your partner is indulging in – be that a friendship with a female colleague, meeting up with an ex or flirting with someone in a bar? If you know about it and they are not trying to hide anything then the chances are that there is nothing to hide.

Obviously if there is a history of your partner cheating on you or other partners cheating on you then you may feel that you are programmed to doubt your relationship and you may therefore be looking for reasons to be suspicious. However, it is always worth thinking about the other possible explanations for behaviours before jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Sometimes it is enough to recognise that you are feeling jealous for no reason and then you can use that recognition to change your own habits, but perhaps you need to change even more than that. Everybody has boundaries and problems generally arise if you feel your partner has overstepped your personal boundaries even though he/she may not be aware of it. Be aware that just because, for example, you have always felt that it is wrong for someone in a relationship to flirt with someone else that doesn’t mean that this rule has to be set in stone. Think about it - flirting that does not go any further is merely harmless fun, and it is also perfectly natural. Just because you are in a relationship it does not mean that you stop finding other people attractive and we would all be lying if we said we did not still want to be attractive to others even though we are attached.

Jealousy can be an ugly thing.

If you are making some concessions perhaps your partner will be able to as well. Sit them down and explain that you know you sometimes feel jealous and that you are trying to do something about it. However, if there are particular things that drive you mad like when he invites his female best friend over while you are having a cosy night in then you have to tell him because he cannot modify his behaviour if he does not know that it is making you feel this way.

Of course, if jealousy has been a long standing problem in every relationship you have had or you feel it spilling out into other areas of your life then you might wish to seek some counselling to help you to deal with your emotions. There is nothing to be afraid of and plenty to gain from this. You will feel stronger and better able to understand why you feel the way you do. You will also learn coping mechanisms to support you when the jealousy takes over.

The other issue is if you are on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy and you know that you are doing nothing wrong. You can try to talk to them about it and you can certainly try to modify your behaviour but there is definitely no need to change your life altogether as this is when jealousy can become control, which is very destructive for all involved. Couples need to find a way to work through this issue together.

But what if you can’t? You know we all need to accept that sometimes a relationship just cannot be saved. If jealousy has taken over and become the main focus of your relationship and no amount of talking or changing boundaries or modifying behaviours helps then perhaps you need to accept that this is not a positive relationship. This is a decision which only you or your partner can make.

The InterContinental, Honk Kong

Honk Kong might not have struck you as a honeymoon destination, but a room overlooking the fabulous Victoria Harbour will literally take your breath away. The Harbour not only lights up at night, it entertains you with an incandescent, 13-minute light show every evening. Neon-lit skyscrapers seem to dance with spectacular laser beams, lighting up the deep blue-black of the night sky. The most fantastic views are probably to be had in the Presidential Suite, which faces the glittering city below and has walls of glass rather than windows (you can shut it all whenever you want to). And you’ll have an infinity pool as well as a 230-foot terrace all to yourselves.

Sri Panwa, Phuket, Thailand

If you’re looking for a more tranquil landscape and you want some tropical heat to go with it, you’ll love the aquamarine lagoons and graceful palm trees surrounding Sri Panwa. It’s not strictly a hotel, but it is fabulously appealing. Overlooking Cape Panwa, this sumptuous villa complex is set in 30 acres of lush forest and boasts a private stretch of coastline for its guests. The sand is talcum powder white and the crystal clear waters a glorious blue. The views are stunning not simply because of the location, but because your room will have huge stretches of glass on all sides. And you’ll get your own infinity pool, sun deck, al fresco Jacuzzi, and a home cinema system and superbly equipped kitchenette. You can charter a boat from the private fleet and go water-skiing or cruising if you want to, but with views and facilities like this, you’ll probably want to stay in and sip champagne on the sun deck.

The Cotton House, Mustique, Caribbean

Made of coral stone, this regal beauty is laden with French West Indies colonial-style furniture. The Cotton Hill residence yields magnificent hill-top views of the Caribbean on one side and the azure Atlantic on the other. It shimmers with aristocratic elegance and you’ll have the benefit of butler service, delectable French cuisine, private beaches and exquisitely manicured grounds. Take one of the teak sun loungers and soak up some rays, or go for a soothing dip in your private pool. And if you fancy a day out, Cotton House will whisk you to the gorgeous Tobago Cays in a speedboat and ply you with chilled Krug and caviar as you sit beneath the palm trees.

The Millhouse, County Meath, Ireland

If you needed proof that a setting doesn’t have to be exotic in order to be romantic, County Meath’s splendid Millhouse Hotel is it. A country club hotel, the interior décor is stunning, with ostentatiously gorgeous swathes of linen draped across the four-poster beds, luxuriously plump velvet cushions and enchanting French and Gustavian vintage-style furniture. Situated on the banks of the beautiful River Boyne, this honeymoon location combines soothing tranquillity with lavish comfort. The Snowdrift Suite boasts a majestic four-poster bed in white, regally draped in swathes of white linen. From your window, you’ll take in views of the lush green landscape and glittering silver of the nearby Boyne. And if you’re feeling adventurous, you can take an awesome hot air balloon ride above the ruins of Trim Castle.

Oberoi Amarvilas, India

Imagine spending your honeymoon overlooking the jaw-dropping grandeur of the Taj Mahal and you’ll have a fair idea of what awaits you if you were to check in to the Oberoi Amarvilas. You’ll feel like royalty here, with rooms awash with gold, marble and timber. The grounds are spellbinding, full of reflecting pools, gently gurgling fountains, romantic pavilions and perfectly manicured terraced lawns. Try the fifth floor Kohinoor Suite if you can – you’ll see the Taj Mahal from every room.

Hayman Island Resort, Australia

How about honeymooning whilst overlooking the magnificent Great Barrier Reef? This is what you’ll get if you book in to the gorgeous Hayman Island Resort in Australia. It’s dreamily idyllic and surrounded by fabulous beaches with sands flecked with coral. A superb vantage point is afforded by the Beach Villa in the Beach Wing; you’ll gaze straight out at white sands and crystal-clear cerulean sea.

Wolwedans, Namibia

Away from the sea, how would you like to look out over a sweeping vista of untouched African plains and dunes, as far as the eye can see, all from the vantage point of ultra modern, luxury accommodation? Set in the NamibRand Nature Reserve and surrounded by the Nubib mountains, each of the accommodation suites in the camp is separated from the nearest neighbour by 1,000 hectares of land. It’s indescribably spacious. If you opt for the Mountain View Suite, you’ll look out at stunning views of the mountains in the distance.

Residenze Napoloeone III, Rome

If you feel like honeymooning like a royal couple, you could do little better than check in to the majestic Residenze Napoloeone III in Rome, Italy. It’s a stunningly aristocratic and splendidly romantic apartment set in an historic wing of the grand Palazzo Ruspoli. The walls are studded with oil paintings and fine art – a huge oil painting even acts as a bedhead, whilst another is a concealed door to the bathroom. And you’ll be able to stroll through one of the most romantic cities in the world – Rome.

Chateau de Bagnols, France

Staying with that aristocratic theme, another magnificent setting for a honeymoon takes the form of this fairytale castle in France – the Chateau de Bagnols. Standing proudly in the Beaujolais region, it is dreamily, majestically romantic, surrounded with exquisite gardens. Room 6 has a gorgeous primrose yellow damask canopy bed and Room 8 is a converted century chapel, sumptuously adorned with a gilded four-poster bed and a beautiful array of 18th century frescoes. And the Château has a Michelin-rated restaurant, too.

The Commune, China

You could spend your honeymoon gazing out at one of the greatest man-made structures ever built. A room at the magnificent Commune, a set of villas designed by no less than twelve Asian architects, offers spectacular views of the Great Wall of China, as it meanders and twists into the mountains. The Deluxe Suite in particular affords the most spellbinding views of the Wall and the mountains.

If you are considering some private time away on a little mini break then these most romantic boutique hotels may well be of interest to you. Set in some of the most beautiful locations across the world, there is no doubt that love will be on your mind the entire time.

If you are going to do it you might as well do it right so we are starting things off with a hotel, which is quite far afield - Tanzania to be exact. The Hatari Lodge is famed for its awe-inspiring view of Mount Kilimanjaro. This exclusive boutique hotel is pure luxury. You can be almost guaranteed as much alone time with your beau as you wish considering that there are only nine bedrooms. I’m guessing all the other guests will be looking for their privacy also. Besides, with the oversized bathtubs and complementary robes you are unlikely to leave your room.

Just an average day in York.

Much closer to home is 10 George Street in York. This is a self-catering property but I am sure that food will be the last thing on your mind when you are met with the stunning decoration of this property. There are three bedrooms in this town-house and you can expect to pay upwards of £500 for a two night stay - surely a price worth paying for such luxury? The master bedroom has to be seen to be believed, having been decorated in the style of a theatre set, complete with renaissance artwork adorning the walls. As if this is not enough, you can also snuggle up by the open fireplace. What could be more romantic?

‘Ahhh, Pareee!’ [Insert cultural stereotype here]

Maybe France? There is something about the idea of a getaway to France that seems synonymous with romance. 15 Grand Rue in the small village of Caux, Languedoc definitely lives up to the French reputation for style, class and romance. This boutique hotel is set in a restored manor house and it is so exclusive that it has only three suites. The entire hotel is beautifully decorated and furnished with French antiques. You will also receive the most personal customer service from the hostess, who will go out of her way to ensure your every want is taken care of. The cuisine on offer is also second to none so if you work up an appetite you know it can be satisfied; whether it’s fresh strawberries and champagne or smoked salmon and scrambled eggs or the finest three course dinner. They will even prepare a picnic hamper for you if you are planning a romantic day out together.

Hawaii. That’s all you need to say really.

If you want to make sure that sunshine is guaranteed for your romantic getaway then why not check out the one and only boutique hotel in Maui, Hawaii. The seaside Aloha Pualani offers 5 exclusive suites complete with individualised contemporary décor. You are guaranteed a peaceful holiday in idyllic surroundings. You could also book his and her spa treatments to ensure you are looking and feeling your best. If you are feeling more energetic there are plenty of sporting activities that you can take part in.

Sunshine is definitely not guaranteed in Scotland but romance is definitely in abundance. The ideal romantic setting for a mini break is Ardmor House in Edinburgh. This boutique hotel is located in a restored Victorian house. The owner takes pride in ensuring that all of his guests are taken care of, and his dog will give you a greeting to remember also. The location of the hotel is ideal; far enough away from the buzz of the capital city to ensure quiet time while being close enough that you can indulge in everything that Edinburgh has to offer should you choose to. In fact, the owner of the hotel will provide his very own guide to the city so that you can hand pick the activities you’d like to indulge in and the ones you would rather avoid.

Greece. Smart.

Sometimes the best boutique hotels in the world are the ones that are so unique and exclusive that they are not particularly well known. This is the case with Astarte Suites Hotel in Santorini, Greece. You can imagine the backdrop: the sea so blue you can barely tell where it stops and the sky starts. You will also get your romantic break off to ideal beginnings when you are served with champagne and fruit upon your arrival. You needn’t worry about getting to and from this beautiful hotel as they will arrange your airport transfers for you. This hotel has nine rooms, each with exquisite views. If this is not enough, you can also indulge in the complimentary Hermes products, which can be found in your bedroom. You and your loved one can also cosy up in your bedroom jacuzzi while you gaze out across the Aegean Sea.

One thing is for sure; there are so many perfect boutique hotels in the most stunningly beautiful locations in the world. The only difficult part is choosing which one to go to. Who you take with you should be the easy part. Romance, however, is sure to be guaranteed wherever you go.

Combine the internet and randy people and you have a potent concoction capable of mounting hideous offence upon the senses. Whereas any dating agency that wishes to stay in business in the real world needs to cater for as mainstream a crowd as possible, on the internet such rules of business can be thrown out of the window like an unwanted lovechild in favour of illiciting the most base instincts of the online mob. For instance, who would dare present themselves in person to meet a woman behind bars?. Incarcerated women all over America are ‘looking for relationships. Many of them have been abandoned by their friends, and families and they desire contact with the outside world.’ They are also likely looking for your wallet or purse, or a lesbian so butch she could pass for Dolph Lundgren. The website also looks like it’s been designed on the back of a fag packet, with a crayon, in the rain, and the woman gracing the front page screams trailer trash louder than a b-movie victim.

Not what you had in mind when she said ‘want to come back to my place?’

Still, at least it attempts to keep the romance going. ScientificMatch forgoes old school notions of courting, seduction and basic instincts in favour of DNA matching you to a compatible partner. Advantages of this method of dating include loving the ‘natural body fragrance’ of your matched partner, less chance of women cheating on their partners and potential offspring having boosted immune systems. In other words, you’ll be more likely to put up with the bank vault destroying body odour because you forked out a ridiculous amount of money to get your DNA catalogued, you’ll be less likely to cheat or be the victim of cheating because you’ll still be making repayments on the countless mismatched dinner dates this DNA malarkey has cost you, and your children will be mutants.

Better mutant than mental? No Longer Lonely would disagree. ‘We are a welcoming community that understands the trials and pitfalls of managing a mental illness. Find friends or seek romantic relationships knowing that everyone on this site has some form of mental illness.’ Now, this writer’s not one to discriminate, but questions do natural arise. For instance, do you get matched according to the type of illness you have? That would surely only exacerbate the situation. Perhaps you get matched for complementary illnesses, though it’s hard to know how such classifications would be made. Maybe, and this is going out on a massive, thick limb - it’s not a good idea. Just maybe.

Wow, his DNA looks really handsome.

While we’re on the subject of bad ideas, it’s worth dwelling on Ostomates for a while. It’s ‘an online community for people with ostomies and related surgeries.’ Extraordinary. In case you’re not a doctor, ostomies are ‘surgical procedures that create artificial openings for the elimination of bodily wastes’, as in colostomy. It’s so difficult to know how to respond. On the plus side, there would be no lull in conversation. On the minus side, you’re both going to be carrying around bags of human waste. This is not to mock those who have had to go through the procedure, rather to suggest that it might be possible to date someone and fall in love with them because they don’t have a problem with it, as opposed to dating someone just because they happen to have a bypassed colon just like you.

At least the Ostomates can hold their heads high knowing that they are not users of (ADULT SITE ALERT, NSFW) The DailyDiaper. ‘DailyDiapers is the internets premiere FREE community for Adult Babies, Diaper Lovers, Big Kids, Mommies and Daddies featuring over 14,500 FREE photos of diapered women, men and couples; Plus stories, diaper reviews, videos, personal ads, message boards, polls and so much more!’ Wow. There’s bringing together niche nodes of society, and then there’s building a website devoted to matching couples based on the fact that they like to dress as babies. Now, not sure what side of the paedophile divide these people land on, or whether notions of division, sanity or even everyday perception occur to any of these individuals of more than a monthly basis. All we can be sure of is it’s not going in the bookmarks menu.

It says posse.

DailyDiaper dials into a somewhat skewed facet of society. Yet, in some ways, it’s not as shocking as probably the strangest dating site in existence, The Atlasphere. This online network brings together admirers of author Ayn Rand. It’s rumoured that all dates between couples matched by Atlasphere last for about four days and seem to say the same thing over and over again, though that could just be rumour. How many people do you think use this site for dating? Pick a number. Now double it. Nope, still short. Over 10,000 wildly obsessive Rand lovers attempt to find the partner of their dreams in a website that should surely be shut down for human rights reasons when you think of how many poor dating puns can be crafted from a name like Rand. Having said that, you are likely to find that the person you meet is wearing a proper pair of pants.

The idea of random sex is rather appealing in a theoretical kind of way. I am not sure I could actually go through with it though, for a few reasons.

A different kind of swinging.

Being discreet and private is not the aim of these types of places. The point is people want to watch and taste and feel. So if you do decide to actually engage in activities with someone, the whole club can and may be watching. I am aware that some places do have private rooms that are enclosed. But for the most part it’s a free for all. I’m pretty confident in my abilities to please a man but do I want the world watching? Not so sure.

Then there is the question, ‘what if I want to stop?’ I also know that there are strict rules in these clubs and people do tend to behave. But what will I do if something happens I am not comfortable with? Will my partner be there to get me out of it? Will I be forced to continue? It is for this reason that I have to trust the person I go with 110%. I have to know that they will stop whatever it is they are doing if I feel uncomfortable or am compromised in any way.

Also there is in the unexpected, which really can be a reason to go. The excitement of it all. But not knowing what to expect does freak me out a little. Will there be a lot of people? Do I have to do something? Can I turn people down? What do I do while my partner is busy doing stuff?

More fun than this? How could it be!

Having said all that though, I wouldn’t mind going. If I was not in a relationship with the man I was going with and trusted him, I really wouldn’t mind experiencing it. It would be like watching a real life porn movie - and come on, who doesn’t like a little porn now and then?

The idea of random sex with a stranger in a controlled environment is rather appealing. It removes a lot of the dangers of a one night stand. There is no awkward morning-after scenes. No remembering of names or wondering if you should swap phone numbers. It is just sex. Which you have to admit is very alluring.

Will I end up going? I doubt it. Will I continue to fantasize about what it would be like? Most definitely!

His blog over at Plenty More Fish Out Of Water is honest, modest, funny, offensive and interesting. I stumbled across it while scouring the web and just thought this would be a great person to interview for the blog. Past blog interviews have been well recieved and very interesting, and mainly about how to pull a date. This one… well, isn’t really.

Please Introduce yourself fishy

Well, I’m 29, single and writing about it. I was building quite a collection of anecdotes about car crash dates, so decided to start a blog about them.

I had an on/off fling with my hairdresser for a few months but proper girlfriend - three years. I do have a cat, though. Mildred. She’s depressed and arthritic. Like some of the girls I meet online.

My friend Mark says I go on more first dates than anyone he knows - and fewer second. Why? Well I’d say I just seem to meet weirdos (girls with hairy chins, or who want to take coupley photos on a first date, or who arrange to meet and then don’t turn up). My dates may tell you a different story, though. I’ve been told I say inappropriate things. I went on a date with a girl who revealed (an hour after I’d met her) that she had depression. I told her I fancied the waitress who’d served us. The night ended with a big slagging match in the street. (I actually did a post about it - A date with Depression http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/2009/09/date-with-depression.html)

Three and a half years. We lived together, though the sex dried up after a year. I used to have a proper crush on her 59-year-old mum. Still think about her ample bosom late at night sometimes. Even though she’ll be 65 now. Or dead.

Have you ever tried an online dating site, if so tell us what it was like?

Yes, I’m a big fan. It’s better than meeting someone on a sticky dancefloor after ten Coronas. You can take time deciding if someone’s for you before sticking your tongue in their mouth. I think there’s very little taboo anymore. Obviously I haven’t met my ‘one’ yet, but I’ve had some great laughs and stumbled across some really good friends along the way.

No. At the time of writing I’m due to go on a date with another dating blogger. We’re both writing about it. She asked what I’d do with the blog if things went well between us, and I told her there’s no way I’d stop. It would have to be about our relationship.

Well, after the aforementioned date (presuming it doesn’t work out) I hope to expand my ‘Sunday Confessional’ section were readers share (anonymously, if they like) their dating nightmares. I’m also going to try and ask out seven people in seven days and see where it gets me.

Thanks for the interview fishy, any last words?

Er, does anyone fancy going on a date?

Visit the blog: http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com

Lest this problem frightens the reader into a vow of silence, the only way to proceed is speak (or write) as tactfully as you can - and wait to see what happens next. Thankfully, we can always reply to our replies (unless the other person has flounced off in an offended huff). Online dating can be as nerve wracking as face to face encounters; you want to present a good but truthful image of yourself, as well as find out useful information about the kind of person you’re hoping to meet.

Always worth checking.

At least writing isn’t quite as immediate as speaking; as soon as I utter a word, even if I haven’t meant to say it out loud or the wrong one slips out, it immediately goes straight into someone else’s ear. And you can’t pull it out again. Typing out thoughts and queries at least means we can check our spelling, read though what we’ve come up with and double check (even triple and quadruple check, depending on how anxious we are) before sharing. But there are no absolutely fool proof methods even then.

So, how do you begin? There may not be a single formula for getting it right, but there are certainly lots of ways of getting it wrong. Nervousness can sometimes make us unduly blunt, clouding our judgement about how what we’re asking is likely to be received. Asking ‘What kind of music do you like?’, for example, is likely to have a less disturbing effect than ‘Have you ever had a jail sentence?’ or ‘Are there any schizophrenics in your family?’ Both of these last two have been asked on first dates, although I couldn’t work out from the reports I read just how the romance progressed. My guess is that, unless an amazing coincidence had brought two equally eccentric souls together, Cupid’s arrow probably went straight through his own foot.

So you’re dating a guava…

How do you avoid being intrusive, potentially offensive or unduly blunt and yet ask something meaningful, something that gives you a better picture of the real person you are virtually meeting? ‘How would you describe your figure?’ will almost certainly be read as ‘Are you fat?’, ‘Do you support a football team’ will be read as ‘You’re talking to a football-crazy soccer nut.’ And getting all ‘focus groupy’ can easily backfire: asking a potential soul mate what fruit they would choose to be if they could be a pomegranate, kumquat or pear might not get you very far. Hmm, so I’m dating a guava…

Here are a few suggestions which might give you some useful idea of what your virtual Romeo or Juliet is really like. It’s the online chat which gives you the best idea, rather than the carefully manicured profiles.

You can get a good sense of what really raises your possible partner’s hackles by slipping an apparently generic question past them. Something like, ‘What are the most annoying mistakes online daters make in your experience?’ The reply will almost certainly convey a lot of information about the answerer, rather than ‘official’ subject of the question. You’ll learn what really tees her or him off, what truly gets under this particular person’s skin, and whether you share any of the condemned traits!

Another apparently general question which can yield vital information is “What do you think of online dating?” Depending on the length of the reply, you’ll get some important clues about how experienced in the field this particular player is, how many prospective dates have been thrown onto the discard pile, or alternatively how new and nervous about he game she or he is. You’re also likely to get some genuinely heart-felt sharing of both good and bad experiences – equipping you to avoid unwittingly repeating the bad scenarios and helping you concentrate on the good ones.

Sharing musical interests is important.

The next question is without doubt much more sensitive than the previous two, and you have to ‘time it right’. Get a bit of rapport going before you raise it, and raise it very gently. ‘When things have gone wrong in previous relationships, what caused the break-up?’ A reply which puts the blame solely and fully on the other party is something to be a little cautious about. When people are giving their opinions about someone they know but you’ve never met, you’re hearing most immediately about the feelings, opinions, beliefs and interpretations of the person who is speaking, not the person being described. You can get a lot of revealing insights into the speaker, from the ways they absolve themselves from any responsibility or take too much of the blame upon themselves. A balanced, wise answer is more likely to mean a balanced, wise person who has learned a lot from life.

Something to be mindful of from the outset: you might want to ask more direct and personal questions, especially if the conversation seems to be going easily and amicably. Under these circumstances, people often like being asked about themselves and their experiences. But don’t ask any question that you wouldn’t like to answer yourself. Bearing this in mind, some really interesting issues to explore are ‘What scares you most about starting a new relationship?’, ‘In the past, who ended the relationship – you or your partner?’ and ‘Who was the most challenging person you met on a date?’ There are of course many more questions to ask and, hopefully, if the conversation between you flows, both of you will feel freer to be more spontaneous and playful. These early steps should help navigate you onto this terrain, though.

Always rooms at the Heartbreak Hotel.

So what do you do? You could read a Dr Phil book and be all Zen and remain friends with your ex (and his perky new girlfriend) or you could be human and wallow in a little self pity, lots of tequila and poke him and his perky new girlfriend in the eye (theoretically of course).

There are a few things you can do though, to make the transition an easy one.

Ice cream and chocolate and sweets and doughnuts and pretty much any other food that is processed, contains obscene amounts of fat and sugar and will make you feel awful tomorrow morning. In the moment, though, they do the trick. They comfort you. Bag after bag of chips and spoon after spoon of chocolate chip ice cream you feel the pain disappearing. The hurt lessens and all you are left with is intense heartburn and the need to throw up. All that aside gorging on junk food remains one of the best ways to get over someone.

It won’t fix things, but it can help.

Alcohol. Pretty much the same effect as the junk food but it leads to the next point that will help you. There is nothing like someone to help you get over someone. Sober you probably aren’t even interested at looking around but throw a few tequilas back and Ed the Goth punk rocker who has green hair and purple to nails is suddenly Brad Pit – naked. A meaningless, random alcohol induced snog really is the best way to forget about someone. While you are so caught up in the excitement of Goth boy and his purple toenails you won’t give Heartbreak boy a second thought! There really is nothing tequila and a kiss can not fix.

Then there is revenge. That saying “hell hath no fury” is so popular for a reason. It is true. Intensely true. I have never really been one for revenge. Well I have thought about it but have never actually gone through with it. By the time I have figure out what to do I am over the whole thing. But there are a few things you can do, should you feel so inclined. You could sign him up on a gay porn site with his work email address. Or walk up to him while he is with his perky girlfriend and hand him a pair of his under pants and say “you left these at my place LAST NIGHT!” and then walk off. You just have to be careful you don’t do anything that’s a criminal offence or that can be traced back to you. It really just isn’t worth it!

Without sounding like an Oprah wannabe though, the best revenge is happiness. Being happy without someone is your revenge. But it has to be a genuine happiness. Not that “I will show him I can get a man” kind of happiness. It has to be real. You have to let it go. Move on and be happy. With or without someone else. That is the best gift you can give yourself and has none of the effects of alcohol or ice cream.