So - you’ve signed up. You’re on all the other dating sites and are anxious and looking forward to what the weeks will bring. Unfortunately you’ve not signed up to the right ones. Here’s the diary of my exploits on other sites - easyfindadate is perfect, don’t you know….
There are some perils to Internet dating. This is Alice. She’s 21
Saturday evening
Dear Diary,
I finally took the plunge and registered with an online dating site. Its not as easy at it appears and took me most of the afternoon. I had to give the obvious things, eye colour – which in itself confused me with options blue, brown, green and other? What other eye colour could you have? I am actually going to check if people have an “other” eye colour and ask them! Height, weight (which I really think is a little rude) as well as the obligatory “tell us about yourself in less than 100 words”.
I think I managed 20 words about myself. I mean what can you really say? I am funny, smart, adventurous, blah blah – the profiles I read for ideas all had the same thing anyway. So I figured why break with tradition.
I found a decent photo to send in but its awaiting approval? What does that mean? That if they like the look of you they approve you and if not they don’t? Can only pretty people be approved or do you think they allow a certain amount of ugly people in too? Oh well I guess I will just have to wait and see if they feel I am worthy of approval!
Off to bed now – it was an exhausting process!
Me
xx
Registering for dating sites. More exhausting than a relationship with Alice (see above!)
Sunday Morning
Dear Diary
Well I got approval! YAY ME!! And when I logged on this morning I had FOUR messages! I was super excited until I got to message 3.
Four messages on day one - thing move fast on the web
Message one was from ManBear! Yes that’s right MANBEAR!!!! And it was clear that man bear was about primal as a man bear would be – he simple said “Wanna have some dirty chat! I have a web cam!”
DELETE
Message two came from MrLoverman. He liked my eyes and felt I was someone he could settle down with. His location was Nigeria, so by the way, I am thinking he is looking for a ticket into the country
DELETE
I was slowly losing hope when the third message came from CuteGuy34 – he was a 95% match for me and I was a 98% match for him! His message was simple “hi there how you doing” and his picture wasn’t too bad either. POSSIBILITY
SAVED
Last message was sent by Poodles – “I really think we have to get to know each other”. Oh you do do you! One glance at the wedding pic he had in his profile and another one for the trash can. WHO puts a wedding photo up on their dating profile? I suppose the same person who thinks the nick-name ‘Poodles’ is attractive.
Poodles. With his Wedding picture on his profile. A catch.
DELETE!
I am out now!
Me
xx
Sunday Evening
Dear Diary
Just letting you know – SIX new messages. Can’t really read them now, we are on our way out. Will have to wait until tomorrow.
Me
xx
Six new messages but no time - this is like work!!
Monday Evening
Dear Diary
I am not even going to bother with major details of the six new messages (which were 11 by the time I managed to read them).
Three came from Nigerians declaring their undying love for me? I would be flattered if they actually knew me. But really what the hell are they in love with? Having said that though, I did pause (momentarily) at the one who promised me riches and houses and cars and nannies. But the reality hit and I would probably be spending drug money, so hit DELETE.
Nigeria. Lovely country but there are many scammers. With broadband
Two were from guys looking for internet sex! Then one actually just got right into it with a rather graphic description of what he was doing. I blushed!!
Four were from men old enough to be my grandfather. I didn’t even read the last two. I am sure there are laws against things like this. I felt dirty!
Three were from Cuteboy – in response to a message I sent him and a few things he wanted to know.
This is all rather exhausting! I am off to bed!
Me
xx
Thursday Evening
Dear Diary
There really has been nothing major to report on.
Still messages from grandpas and 18 year olds telling me how they want to have wild sex with me. The Nigerians seem to have moved on though. I am some what relieved with that – the idea of becoming a drug lord’s women was starting to sound appealing! Which made me wonder about how desperate I really am!
Cuteboy and I have kept chatting. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy. We have a lot in common and he has a really cool sense of humour. I was working up enough courage to ask him out when he broke the news – he is engaged!
Engaged? Doesn’t stop you looking, does it?
I was like HUH? Why then are you on a dating website? His reply, “We are both really keen on a threesome and are looking for a girl to join us!” I was so shocked I nearly choked on my tea. When a colleague asked if I was ok I realized I was laughing hysterically.
I composed myself and replied very politely “Oh ok then! Well it’s been great chatting to you. Bye”.
He was having none of that and replied “Where you going? I thought you would be keen to join us? Give me your number and we can chat about it in person?”
And another HUH? Why would he think I would be keen on a threesome? Not one conversation we had had was about sex? And why would I give him my number?
Threesomes. Perhaps not what you’re looking for…
He spent the afternoon trying to convince me to do it – it was a totally one-sided conversation though. I had no words to reply.
I have 4 unread messages! I can’t bring myself to log on a read them (or delete them as the case may be)
I am tired!
Me
xx
Friday Afternoon
Dear Diary
A reminder popped up that I have 6 unread messages! I logged on – it was Friday afternoon and I was bored.
3 from Cuteboy
DELETE!
1 from Hardforyou
DELETE
1 from Wannaplay69
DELETE
2 from Sexymama
I read it out of sheer curiosity. Yes it was indeed my first message from a women wanting to get to know me! Intimately!
DELETE
What else is there to say.
Delete.Delete.Delete…
Me
xx
Friday Evening
Dear Diary
I sent an email to the administrators of the website today.
Dear Administrative People,
Please may you delete my profile with immediate effect.
I realize I have only been a member of your site for a week and some may argue I didn’t give it a fair chance. Maybe I haven’t.
But in the last five days I have been proposed to by possible all the English speaking males in Nigeria. Every available 60-something year old has promised me nights of romance and passion. Countless testosterone driven 18 year olds have assured me they will provide me with the best sex I have ever had. I was even invited to join a threesome.
The final straw, however, was when a fellow female suggested we hook up.
My hope, in joining the site, was to meet some like minded people and maybe go on a date or two. This clearly is not going to happen and I do not have the energy to wade through these messages in the hope that someone like me (except male) has registered too!
I decided rather to place an ad in the personals of the Farmers Weekly and am hoping for a more positive response.
Yours Sincerely
And so ends my internet dating experience.
Me
xx
