It would be easy when compiling a list of the best sex scenes in movies to go for the obvious ones, the ones when they really rail each other’s brains out and/or expose as much flesh as humanly possible, but that would be self-defeating. Truth is, most of the really, really good nookie in films comes from scenes that, while maybe not being the most explicit (though there is room for the explicit) are memorable because they’re ever so slightly… wrong. That’s not to say we should call upon out-and-out deviancy on the quest for the best exposed breasts, but there is a certain je ne sais quoi about the best of the best which elevates them above the rest.
So, without further ado, sexy time.
10. Get Carter (Rosemarie Dunham & Britt Ekland & Michael Caine)
Michael Caine is so rough in this film that he can make Britt Ekland’s boobies wobble from straight across the telephone line without so much as disturbing the hem of his suit. Better yet, as Caine’s Carter phone sexes Ekland into the next recession, his landlady, Dunham, pleasures herself by rocking back and forth in a rocking chair very, very quickly. If only it was that easy for all of us.
9. Boogie Nights (Julianne Moore & Mark Wahlberg)
Neither of them rank among the hottest in Hollywood, which is maybe why this scene feels so dirty. It genuinely feels like you’re watching a vintage porn movie being filmed by vintage porn stars. The only thing missing is the kind of pubic hair that would choke even the Jackson 5’s afro comb. Wahlberg also pulls the best ‘I’m gonna cum’ face since the fall of the Berlin wall.
The first of the ‘are stars as hot as they seem?’ pics.
8. Leaving Las Vegas (Elizabeth Shue & Nicolas Cage)
If you were an alcoholic, what would be your ultimate fantasy? How about a prostitute in a wet-through swimsuit pouring fresh liqueur down her exposed breasts? This is probably meant to be one of those in-depth lovemaking scenes like Last Tango in Paris or that one everyone raves about that’s got Donald Sutherland in it, but it just comes across as two ineffably cool wasters going at it.
7. Risky Business (Rebecca De Mornay & Tom Cruise)
It’s a testament to just how unbelievably hot Rebecca De Mornay is in this film that you can watch the Cruiser (how that name rings like aftershave on the bell-end) hump the life out of her and still maintain full sensual concentration. Just try to forget the white socks.
6. Cruel Intentions (Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar)
It’s only a kiss, you tell yourself. It lasts less than a minute. Here’s the kicker though: they look like they’re really, really enjoying it. You can imagine the director yelling ‘cut’ just once before letting the camera roll a further twenty minutes, pocketing the extra film before it hit the editing room floor. Dirty director.
5. A History of Violence (Maria Bello & Viggo Mortensen)
Although this movie features the first ever ‘69’ scene in a non-porn American mainstream cinema release, it’s the on-stairs rutting that really, pardon the pun, nails it. The best thing about watching Mortensen and Bello go at it is you can’t tell who’s rogering who. Cronenberg is a good enough director to film from angles which suggest at any moment the stairs will give way and they’ll fall into some kind of absurdist Broadway musical, like the end of Blazing Saddles. There’s those puns again.
And the second.
4. Bound (Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly)
The first of the Hot Lesbian pairings. Face it, everyone likes a Hot Lesbian pairing. Even gay guys get a kick out of Hot Lesbian pairings, because Hot Lesbians look good in ways that guys, with their ridiculous anatomies, will never be able to look good. A man’s tool is a tool for making babies, and should never, ever be appreciated. With woman-on-woman action this good, and 0% chance of exposed brain, Bound proves what we knew all along: the Wachowskis are freaky bastards.
3. Mulholland Dr. (Laura Harring & Naomi Watts)
Take what Bound had and add the utterly gorgeous Naomi Watts in a soon-to-be-elsewhere pyjama top, add some filth hound kissing and a generous dash of ‘huh?’ and you have one of the hottest love scenes of all-time in a film that, for the rest of its duration, is busy trying to scare the bejesus out of you.
And the third.
2. Basic Instinct (Sharon Stone & Michael Douglas)
Yes, it’s clichéd, but the early 90s were a real golden period for headboard rhythms, and Basic Instinct was the marquee feature above the cinema o’rumpy-pumpy. Watching Michael Douglas pursue Sharon Stone through a night club, wearing a lime green loose-fit sweatshirt (hey, it’s the 90s) only to be utterly dominated by her in the sack, is still massively hot. Also watch out for the bit when old Mick is buried up to the bridge of his nose in poontang. That ain’t acting, son.
1. Monster’s Ball (Halle Berry & Billy Bob Thornton)
There’s nothing like a worthy sex scene that sets out to make a point about characterization, tropes, themes and much else besides only to end up being all about getting freaky. Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton go at it in a way that suggests rehearsals might well have been private, while the director insists on interspersing the full-on boning with arty shots of birds in cages. The best bit is when Berry takes the driving seat. Rarely before or since have so many risen to salute so few.
And, like a good cold shower, the worst…
3. Team America: World Police (‘Lisa’ & ‘Gary Johnston’)
Yes, it’s hilarious and it’s meant to be crap, but no man or woman has ever left the cinema or couch after watching Team America and felt in the mood for anything except Ben & Jerry’s.
You know.
2. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (Carrie Fisher & Mark Hamill)
SHE’S HIS SISTER!
1. Showgirls (Elizabeth Berkley & Kyle McLachlan)
Bonking away in a ridiculously bling swimming pool like two dolphins having a fit, it’s difficult to be aroused when you’re laughing so hard you think you’re going to faint.
